Reintroduction – Who I am and why this site is here

Until very recently, this has been a rarely updated site.  So, even with less than 20 total posts the oldest posts are nearly nine years old.  So, I’m going to post a new introduction.

Much of this material was previously covered in two early posts: October 26, 2005, and December 15, 2005.  But this is a fresh take on it, only briefly referencing the prior articles.

For just about as long as I can remember, capital punishment or the death penalty has fascinated me.  More specifically, the aspect of being executed fascinates me.

Some of my earliest memories are of pretending after bedtime that I was being executed using a “poison  pad” placed under my groin region.  This was, in reality, a wadded up blanket that I lay on top of.  I don’t know for sure when I grew out of this phase, but I think I quit playing this way before I was 8 or so.

After that, my fascination dropped to a lower key.  My bedtime role-playing later did sometimes consist of being the victim of a kidnapping, or possibly being some sort of a prisoner.  But these have similar aspects.

When I was in high school, I encountered a recent issue of Time (January 24, 1983), which had an article entitled “The Death Penalty: An Eye for an Eye.”  It was the cover story for the issue, and the cover featured the beginning of the article.  This start was a second person description putting the reader in an electric chair just before the end.

The chair is bolted to the floor near the back of a 12-ft. by 18-ft. room. You sit on a seat of cracked rubber secured by rows of copper tacks. Your ankles are strapped into half-moon-shaped foot cuffs lined with canvas. A 2-in.-wide greasy leather belt with 28 buckle holes and worn grooves where it has been pulled very tight many times is secured around your waist just above the hips. A cool metal cone encircles your head. You are now only moments away from death. But you still have a few seconds left

Time Magizine

Time Magazine Cover, Jan 24, 1983

This fed into a perfect storm.  With executions becoming more and more common in the early 1980’s (there were two executions in 1979, 1 in 1981, 2 in 1982, 5 in 1983, and 21 in 1984), the topic was in the news regularly.  Further, it was being dramatize more often.  I saw dramatized electric chair executions in the October 4, 1984 episode of Hill Street Blues, as well as in a short film shown as part of the USA Network’s Night Flight weekend late-night programming.  At that time, I was also starting to be sexulaly mature, and more independant as I moved from high school to college.

Thus, it was at this time that I developed – or maybe just first expressed – a non-standard paraphilia associated with the idea of being executed.  As I am, at least functionally, an asexual, this turned into a very personal, but driving, area of research.  But, there was also some level of desire for authenticity in what I fantasized.  At times, I would fantasize nearly every night.

College provided wonderful resources for this research.  The main library had a number of books on the topic, several with good pictures and statistics.  They also had copies of the Bureau of Justice Statistics annual “Capital Punishment” report.  And, they had a fairly complete periodical section.  Since I’d learned library research in middle and high school, finding information in a library was quite easy.

Some of the things I gathered from this included the idea that persons being executed wear a diaper (from an article in US News & World Report), and the lists of crimes that at that point at least officially carried a sentence of death.

It was in college that I wrote my first story about being executed.  I wrote this on a first generation Mac knowing that even if someone close found the disk, they couldn’t read it.

After college, I was totally on my own, in a new city and state.  While I soon had friends, I kept this part of my life secret.  I continued to write stories and, in a more limited way, do research.

During that era, I watched at least part of nearly everything I heard about that covered the death penalty.  A couple stand out in my memory: A Discovery Channel Documentary The Execution Protocol, and the tail end (execution scene) from Dadah is Death.

I also started a quest to better understand the physical sensations.  I don’t do empathy well, so I’d only been able to explore my own emotions and what was obvious – at least when an execution was dramatized.  I purchased the closest thing I could find to a prison jumpsuit, handcuffs and leg chains, and even disposable adult diapers.  I also wrote computer programs that would either generate an alternate list of persons executed in the US, with my name cleverly inserted, or would describe an execution in a guessed real-time.

Once I got access to the Internet on a regular basis, I started using it for research.  I found a few people who had similar levels of interest – but none exactly like mine.  Most wanted to fantasize watching naked people being executed, not being executed in a realistic method.

For many years, the electric chair was the focus of my interest.  But it has broadened to include most current methods, plus some fairly recently abandoned such as the guillotine and the Spanish garrotte.

Now, I have this site where I can, in semi-public, share my feelings and let others explore them.